Bromance Is Medicine: The Numbers on Male Friendship Are Grim, and Here Is How to Fix Yours

Quick test. Name the last mate you told you loved him. Not your partner, not your mum — a mate. If you had to think about it, you are in the majority: only a quarter of men have said it to a friend in the past week, against half of women.

That is not a cute gender quirk. It is a health problem, and it is getting worse.

The numbers, and they are not great

In 1990, 3% of adults said they had no close friends. By 2021 it was 12% — a fourfold jump — and men are over-represented. Half of us now have three or fewer close friends; thirty years ago it was a quarter. Fewer than six in ten people have a best friend, down from three-quarters.

The support gap is worse than the headcount. In any given week, 41% of women receive emotional support from a friend. For men it is 21%. Men are also far less likely to have had a single private conversation about how they are actually doing. We have mates to watch the footy with; we do not have mates we talk to.

And the cost is physical. The research on social isolation puts its effect on mortality in the same league as smoking up to fifteen cigarettes a day and ahead of obesity. Lonely men sleep worse, have higher blood pressure, get more depressed and die younger. This is not soft stuff.

Why blokes end up here

Partly logistics. Over half of close friendships are made at work, which means they end when the job does. We marry later, move more, and spend twice the time with our kids that our fathers did — all good things that quietly crowd out mates.

Partly rules nobody wrote down. Men are taught that needing people is weakness, that feelings go to a partner, and that other men are rivals. So we do not ask a mate to the pub because it might look keen, and we do not say “I'm struggling” because it might look weak, and we drift. Gay and bi men get a double dose: smaller networks to start with, and the one app built for us is optimised for a quick result rather than a long one.

The blokes' guide to fixing it

Lower the bar. A good mate is not someone you pour your heart out to on day one. It is someone you do something with, repeatedly. Fishing, gym, a game, a bate session, a walk — side by side beats face to face for most men. Pick an activity, make it weekly, and let the talking happen on its own.

Be the one who asks. Every friendship needs someone to send the first “you around Saturday?” text. Be him. Most men are waiting for someone else to do it and are relieved when it happens.

Follow up within 48 hours. The gap between “good to meet you” and nothing is where almost every new mateship dies. One message is all it takes.

Say the uncomfortable thing. “Mate, I've had a rough week” is not a burden; it is an invitation. The research is clear that men who have one friend they can say that to are measurably healthier than men who do not.

Use tools built for it. Hookup apps will not get you here. Apps built around mates will. B8Mates has M8s and Close M8s so your circle has an inner ring, Tribes so you can find the blokes who surf or lift or game near you, and events with a group chat so the first awkward meet has somewhere to live afterwards.

And the other stuff?

Some mates stay strictly beers-and-banter. Some become bate mates. Some are both, depending on the night. All of it counts as connection, and the men who do best are honest about which kind they are after. Mates first; everything else optional.

Now go and text one of them.